How to Be Sure Quitting Your Job Will Really Make You Happy
Photo by Gerd Altmann on Pixabay
I was having a conversation with a friend who wants desperately to quit her job. She's bored out of her head and feels like she should have left nine months ago. She didn't, and now her frustration is shutting down her motivation to do anything.
Each day she starts work, frustration begins to brew, overtaking and flattening her mood. All her usable energy is spent managing it. She tells me she needs to quit to give her time to find a job and resolve her frustration. That leaving will motivate her to find a new job more quickly. She's convinced it's her current job that's in the way of her changing her situation.
Her story – it's her job, not her, creating the frustration and stall in getting somewhere.
It's easy to think that. But it's also risky. Stories that we create for ourselves are often crafted to alleviate our sense of responsibility in the situation.
Blaming it on the job allows her an easy way to resolve it. All she has to do is quit. At which point the skies open, calmness rolls in, and she can finally see what her purpose is and what she needs to do next. Simple.
And the best part – she doesn't have to go any deeper with herself. She can stay comfortable and potentially moves right past the block that is really creating her misery.
Often, it's our way of looking at something that creates our unhappiness. There is a story we tell ourselves about each day around it, and it justifies the blame continually.
Sometimes the actual resolution is recognizing the lousy story and creating a new one that is more supportive (and maybe more accurate). We have a weird tendency to give priority to negative, fear-based stories, holding them more valid than positive ones.
In my late 30's I jumped off the career cliff and left a six-figure leadership role to venture out on my own. I was desperately unhappy for years; I had been in that industry for 19 years and had lost my ability to feel a sense of larger purpose within it.
I was scared to leave because I had no income to move to and very little savings to support me. The longer I stayed in the job, the more demotivated and frustrated I became. I stayed two years past my fresh date. And like my friend, I spent my entire last year blaming the company and role for my lack of motivation and frustration in getting myself to replace it with something else.
I started to tell myself that I needed to quit. Quitting would give me the motivation and energy to figure out what I 'really wanted to do with my life. It would allow me the space to think again and get clear on what type of work would give me satisfaction and a sense of contribution that I valued.
My job became the enemy.
The job and company were 'cast' in my story as the culprit. By seeing them as responsible for my lack of energy and motivation, my frustration snowballed.
My mind stoked both stories, using one to justify the other. Leaving, I would be freed up to find my true passion or at least another position that would give me more satisfaction and purpose. Right? Right.
It's easy to see the flaw in that reasoning looking back. At the time, I was sure it was the right direction to go.
I quit my job with no plan, relying on the idea that uncertainty would motivate me to find the next step.
For the first week or two, I felt freedom. It slowly faded, and instead of having a clear mind and the ability to see what I needed to do, the opposite happened. I became frozen in the face of too many options and no clear way to pursue any of them.
My 'quit' logic was faulty on two things. First, the fear of having no income produced anxiety and robbed my energy more than the frustration my job did. Second, I was deeply burnt out from all the projects I led over the past five years.
Once I stopped working, the fatigue that hit me was overwhelming. I was surprised at my level of depletion and burnt-out. It took me close to six months to recover my energy.
No calm. No creative vision. No 'aha' moment. Just fatigue and anxiety.
I'm sure somewhere for someone, this approach has worked successfully. I would guess that it took longer than anticipated and that the vision of how it would go was nothing like how it went. (that's my story!)
Photo by Lance Grandahl on Unsplash
It’s not me, it’s you
It's so important to challenge the stories we construct around the circumstances in our lives, especially when assigning blame in our effort to resolve our discomfort.
Our nature is to try and relieve pain. One of the quickest ways is to do this is to alleviate our responsibility in the situation.
It's not me. It's that job/person/thing.
The danger in doing that, as I learned, is that it doesn't get you to the root cause of the discomfort. And if you don't understand that, your ability to solve it is faulty.
Blaming your job as the source of your unhappiness or dissatisfaction may be true. You might work in a toxic environment or have a genuinely unworkable situation that you are facing.
In some cases, burnout can be the culprit fuelling your job dissatisfaction. If you are uncertain about this, check in with a medical professional to learn more about it. If it is burnout, taking a leave of absence might be the right choice to allow you space to recover first. Making a decision from a place of depletion is never recommended, especially for such a high-impact decision. You don't want to throw gasoline on the fire!
Or blaming may be a convenient scapegoat—a straight-up story to let ourselves off the hook for our unhappiness. After all, if it's 'out there,' then I can stay comfortable with myself and not have to change too much.
The first step in the decision-making process is to determine which scenario you find yourself in.
Get in the habit of challenging your own stories, especially around work. Before you quit your job, do yourself a favor and see where your responsibility lies in creating the way you are feeling. Take a minute and ask yourself the following:
What is the story I am telling myself around my job? What am I unhappy about and why? It's essential to make sure you uncover the sentiment behind the story as well. Our stories often validate a more profound fear or doubt that fuels your sense of frustration or disempowerment.
Is the story true? How can I know for sure? When our mind crafts a story, it uses justifications to give it credibility. Often, these don't stand up to closer scrutiny and are fueled by a judgment we hold or a pessimistic interpretation we have. A clue here is the level of emotion that comes up when the validity is questioned. If your feeling is strong, there's a good chance something deeper needs to be owned.
Could I change the way I define and approach my job? Is there another story I could tell? What story, if any, could I suggest that would create enjoyment or satisfaction? This question should wait until the emotion has been resolved or understood from the questions above. Without that, you won't have a solid willingness to entertain a new perception and create a different story. Once you do, the new story can be made using additional elements or definitions of your role and contribution.
Could I move into another job or opportunity with the company? Is there another role that interests me? Any projects that catch my attention? This option can work well if it's the job you dislike more than the company. Getting clear on what you don't like is critical in finding what you do want. In my experience, employers are happy to work with employees in matching them to roles that tap their passion and potential if they can accommodate them.
If there is no way to salvage my job, what needs to happen to help me take steps to find another job? When you've done the work exploring the first three questions, you will find renewed energy to approach the planning phase. The exploration above will resolve some of your doubts and help clarify the decision you need to make to move on if you can't stay.
What's my step-by-step action plan and timeline to create new work for myself? Creating a timeline for your plan is key in starting to act. I will help you build some momentum and achieve small wins, which will invigorate your efforts.
Suppose you come through this process and find that you can reframe your situation and change your perspective to experience your job differently. That's great news! Keep your momentum by clarifying your new story by writing it down. If you have discovered changes you can make within your current role to help you transition, start making them.
Sometimes simply taking yourself through this process is enough to create a shift in your perspective.
If you are still uncertain, consider taking a break from work. A short-term leave of absence or using vacation time could give you the distance you need to get a better read on your options. In either case, taking a break from the emotions will allow you to make your decision using more than just emotion. Check-in with yourself and make sure that burnout isn't the cause for your dissatisfaction.
Photo by Titus Pop on Pexels
What if you go through the steps above and come away feeling convinced that you need to quit even though you don't have a plan or income? Here are a few things to prepare for:
Have a plan to cover your essentials (obviously!) and know your time limit.
Create an outlet to deal with the stress of living with financial uncertainty, including a strong support network. Connect with the people who love you and genuinely support you in what you are doing. Reluctant supporters may trigger your fear, so know who they are!
Give yourself a structure and commit to the process of finding or creating your new work and income. It's helpful to predictability in your schedule to offset the financial uncertainty (and fear).
Monitor your anxiety and stress levels. Have a plan to process these each day to make sure they don't take you down.
A journaling habit can help you process the emotions and insights that will come up. It also allows you to stay aware of your stress level, impacts you and your life, and creates accountability for finding your next venture
……….
Deciding to quit your job or career is identified as a top ten life-changing event for a reason. Be careful that you don't underestimate or minimize its impact on your life and those close to you.
Be thorough and honest with yourself on how the adversity will affect you (bravado aside). Consider the consequences that you are creating with the decision to quit without a plan. "It will all work out" quickly falls apart in the darker hours in the transition of finding your new path.
True confidence to persevere this type of journey comes from honesty, diligence, and the ability to know your limits, tendencies, and capacity to endure. It also requires a hefty dose of self-discipline.
I have left significant roles and companies twice (so far), I am currently in my second one. Even though my choice to quit without a plan in my first experience was painful and challenging, I wouldn't change it. It taught me valuable lessons I needed to know to be productive in my second jump. Some of the things I wish I knew then are included here.
When asked, I always advocate for having a plan to go to unless there is an extreme environment or reason that you need to leave immediately. Thinking it through will help minimize your stress and give you actionable steps to work towards when you do go. It also ensures that you are financially ready for the transition, which helps minimize the fear factor.
In the end, only you can know what the right choice for your circumstances is. Go deep on your journey to the decision. I wish you clarity and courage in making yours.
